I feel like since this year has begun that my relationship with God has changed so much. I do not mean this in a negative way, but it is just so different. Experiences and circumstances have challenged, and forced, me to see His beauty in ways that are new and fresh to me.
I spent my whole life in church. When Sunday rolled around I was always marked "present" in my Sunday School class and I graced the same back row pew with my family by my side. The subject of God and religion have always been present in the household I grew up in. I am very thankful for that. But, there comes that time in an individual's life when God goes beyond VBS, the youth group and various church functions. It is when He becomes real.
I accepted Christ at an early age and have grown to admire Him since that point. I can look back and see the people who poured into my life and encouraged me in my walk with God. They invested in my life, and I am unsure if at the time I was really aware the impact they were having on me as much as I do today. They taught me the fundamentals and, most importantly, they lived the way they talked. That is a beautiful thing that is rare to see and experience.
During college I could sense a change in the way I viewed God and what He meant to me. I felt Him in a way that allowed me to know that He truly did satisfy all of my desires. Life was good, and so was He. Guys came into the picture during this time in my life (I guess you could say I was late bloomer in this category) and He showed me how He pursues me as well. He knows how to love me better than any other. He showed me that He knew how to love me in such a great way because He knew me. He was personal.
From the end of my collegiate career to this very moment, I have been in a major "funk". It takes a lot for me to admit that. I am an extremely private person and I like to have things, ie. my life, together. I do not understand this phase of my life. What is harder to deal with sometimes is noticing that not everyone appears to walk through this mysterious period of existence. I cannot be the only person, but sometimes I feel like it. I have searched for a lot of things during the past year or so of my life. Trying to figure out what I could possibly have been placed on this earth to do. There have been seasons where I felt as if I would wander forever searching for my purpose, while living in the fear that I would stumble upon it when it is too late for me to fully enjoy in it. You are probably thinking "wow she worries a lot" and you would be correct (but I am praying about it). Despite all of this worrying and confusion, He has been by my side. Whether I make Him happy or disappointed, He never fails. His love is exhausting to me because of its consistency and His unwavering ability to love me, even at my darkest times. But through this "funk" there comes a sort of confidence. A confidence that this is real. He is real in my life. I may make poor decisions and try to do things on my own strength, but when I am hopeless He is mindful of me. There is a casualness to my relationship with Him because of the years we have spent together, but there is such a reverence and awe within me that will never cease.
I did not write this blog to draw attention to myself or my walk with God. I fail so often. I make poor decisions. But He has turned those poor decisions into wisdom for the future. Those circumstances have brought me closer to Him and closer to the peace that He brings. I want that for you as well.
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